dimanche 30 janvier 2011

Le secret

Cas de conscience
Un secret total, jusqu’au début de 1980, entourait un dossier d’adoption. La mère donnante était assurée de la confidentialité absolue de sa démarche. Jamais son identité ne serait révélée et elle ne connaîtrait jamais le sort de son enfant. La famille adoptive savait que jamais les parents biologiques ne débarqueraient, à l’improviste, chez elle.

Au début des années 1980, sous la pression des mouvements tels Les Retrouvailles, le gouvernement du Québec amenda le Code Civil et permit la divulgation du dossier à certaines conditions : la mère biologique, le père aussi s’il était connu, consentait, par écrit, à donner accès au dossier à son enfant biologique majeur, s’il le demandait. À défaut de ce consentement le dossier demeurait scellé. L’enfant majeur pouvait mêmement consentir à être mis en contact avec eux si les parents biologiques le recherchaient. Sans ce consentement, l’accès était refusé.

Depuis toujours nous avions assuré nos clientes et clients de l’inviolabilité de leur secret. Pour nous ce fut un choc…et un cas de conscience, mais nous n’avions pas le choix. Il échut à ma direction de bâtir les outils pour permettre ces recherches et je me chargeai de leur expérimentation. C’est ainsi qu’un bon matin une mignonne adolescente de 19 ans débarqua dans mon bureau. Elle cherchait sa mère. Le mouvement Retrouvailles avait épuisé ses ressources et l’avait référée à l’agence de sa région.

Elle savait déjà être née à la Miséricorde et avoir été confiée au Service Social diocésain de St-Jérôme. J’avais en main les dossiers de St-Jérôme. Je lui dis que je chercherais et que je lui en reparlerais en temps et lieu…mais d’être patiente. L’intervenante au dossier travaillait encore dans la région. Notre rencontre fut difficile. Elle refusait de collaborer car elle considérait violer la confiance mise en elle par la mère…et je la comprenais, n’étant pas, moi-même, très à l’aise avec cette nouvelle loi.

Via les archives j’ai trouvé le dossier, ils sont conservés cent ans. Les documents étaient succints et des détails semblaient étranges. Quelque chose ne faisait pas de sens. Après vérification des dates au dossier et de certaines mentions quant au milieu d’origine de la mère je suis retourné voir l’intervenante. Elle m’apprit alors que les dossiers de l’agence du temps étaient systématiquement falsifiés pour confondre les chercheurs indiscrets et préserver la confidentialité. Elle m’indiqua pourtant que l’occupation du père de la mère biologique était exact…mais pas l’endroit où il l’exerçait. « J’en ai assez dit, j’en ai déjà trop dit » et elle mit fin à notre rencontre.

Ce détail m’ouvrit la voie malgré tout. Dates, occupation du père, genre d’activité exercée, J’avais quelques pièces du puzzle. Fallait trouver les autres. Finalement en causant avec des gens qui connaissaient bien le milieu et son histoire, en identifiant les entreprises semblables à celle du père de la mère et leur localisation, j’ai pu cerner une entreprise, un chef d’entreprise, retracer sa famille et établir qu’il avait une fille dont l’âge correspondrait à celui de la mère biologique recherchée. Une femme du même nom habitait encore à l’endroit mentionné dans le dossier d’adoption.

La partie délicate commençait : la prise de contact. Après réflexion et consultation de mes collègues, j’ai opté pour une lettre enregistrée, ou recommandée comme on dit maintenant, avec reçu de réception. La lettre n’est jamais revenue et le reçu m’a été remis. J’avais vu juste…mais, manifestement, la personne ne consentait pas à la divulgation car elle ne répondit pas à mon appel.

J’ai dû avouer à la jeune fille en larme que le secret devait être maintenu.



20 commentaires:

  1. Oh my! This is so hard to swallow, no matter which side you take. If I had been the biological mother, this secret might complicate my present life immensely. If I had been the daughter, the wish of finding my real mother would obliterate any other consideration.

    And you in the middle, holding your balance, praying that going one way or another wouldn't hurt anyone.

    You do have tales to tell, Paul.

    RépondreSupprimer
  2. I guess I have. Problem is I have to tell them in such a way that no one can be identified even years afterward. In such cases there is no way nobody will be hurt.
    In this case the bio mother was probably hurt because her secret had been pierced and she probably worried that it could be revealed even if she did not answer.
    The young woman was hurt because she had been abadonned a second time even though she had a happy life in her adoptive family.
    And somehow many people were hurt because their trust in the confidentiality of the services was betrayed by the change of law.

    RépondreSupprimer
  3. Morally, as well as legally, what you did in not divulging the mother's identity to the young woman was absolutely correct. The terms of the adoption were a legal and binding contract freely made. They were the conditions of the adoption.

    The mother, in her capacity as an adult, had the legal and moral right to choose who she associated with. If the person she wished not to associate with was her adult daughter, this didn't legally or morally change anything. The daughter, since she was legally now an adult too, had no legal or moral claims on her biological mother.

    The daughter, very possibly, may suffer lifelong sadness that she couldn't meet her biological mother. It is the cross she must bear, in the way that we all have crosses to bear in some form or another. Who said life isn't ultimately tragic?

    RépondreSupprimer
  4. All so very sad, for everyone involved.

    I think the process, as you described is probably the fairest, though nothing is ever perfect.

    Quelle domage.

    RépondreSupprimer
  5. The law was respected, morals and ethics also. Psychologically it was a difficult thing for all involved and I mean ALL.
    As for the ulmate tragedy of life, Philippe, I believe we are very gifted in tragedy making.
    Miss Sadie, you are the most sensitive dog I ever met.

    RépondreSupprimer
  6. I am especially alert to the stories you tell about this aspect of your life, Paul, because the only kids I ever spontaneously liked are the children of a mother who was herself adopted. And who admitted that for her the attraction to having children was the desire to have someone who was related to her.

    The tragedy has been limitless, as those children were born for no good reason than to satisfy the hungry heart of someone who would not take more mature steps to deal with whatever it was that bothered her about having been adopted. They've suffered so much from the childishness and vanity of their parents that although I've made an effort to help and mentor both of them, I think it was a shame they had existence inflicted on them.

    There must be some body of knowledge or field of counseling specializing in this predicament, if not, it is needed to prevent the multiplication of misery in such situations.

    RépondreSupprimer
  7. Help exists for those people...but they must seek it, it will not just come to them somewhat magically. The first step is for them to realize that they have a problem. Unforunately for too many that first step is never taken.

    RépondreSupprimer
  8. When people apply to the agencies for possible connection to birth mother, such as happened in the story you told, are they offered any sort of information about counseling at that point? I don't know what is done in the States but I don't remember the lady I described ever mentioning it, though she did enter her name in a register in the state where she was born.

    Ironically she was very fond of "going to therapists" because the family that adopted her was wealthy and it was fashionable to go to therapy, but I saw no sign it went much deeper than paying someone to listen to her complain; I doubt she found therapists who had much familiarity with what must be a pretty distinct and specialized set of emotional difficulties. You see people who specialize in marital issues, addictions and so on but I can't remember ever hearing about anyone making a specialty of the pain that arises from giving up a child for adoption, on either side.

    RépondreSupprimer
  9. I don't know about the U.S system,Sled, however, in Québec there are psychiatrists and psycologists trained for child and youth counselling but none that I know of who are specialized in post adoption "trauma" so to speak. Social workers are the most experienced in that field and they offer, when requested, some counselling but not formal therapy.
    Mind you I have some reservations about the various types of therapy. They are not magical and some, unless followed through over years, can produce utter chaos in people's mind.

    RépondreSupprimer
  10. A terrible story Paul and un caso di coscienza come dici in francese. Très difficile pour tout le monde. La jeune fille en larme est déchirante. And the mother's pain too.

    But I pity the daughter more than the mother, maybe because I love my daughters too much. Your position also uncomfortable, difficult. I am sure you helped wherever you could in your job.
    We are waiting for more stories Paul Costopoulos.

    RépondreSupprimer
  11. As I told Rosaria telling my stories is delicate. It has to be done in such a way that nobody can be identified without falsifying the facts or changing the truth. All those people, save for a few, are still alive and many are under 40 years of age; they will be around for a long time to come.
    It really is a balancing act.

    RépondreSupprimer
  12. I understand. I guess you'll have to change some truths saving the core, if you can. I understand very well your preoccupation. People are much more important than readers' curiosity.

    RépondreSupprimer
  13. I appreciate your understanding of the situation.

    RépondreSupprimer
  14. I do Paul. Good night. It is late here. Spent a lot of time, my wife and I, talking with our eldest daughter and her job milieu. Working is hard and terribly competitive where she is now.

    RépondreSupprimer
  15. I agree with your opinion of therapy, Paul. A great deal of it is just paddling about in people's lives aimed, too often, at validating the therapist.

    Still, I detect a top few per cent of people in the field who have some sort of detachment combined with compassion, such people as Peter Levine in the field of post-traumatic stress for example.

    It did give me pause to think that with all the therapeutic specialties, I had never heard of any real attention to this sort of predicament.

    It touched my thoughts vividly to read your story above because of the family I know. I hate it when I see glib bumper-stickers promoting adoption as if everyone goes away cheerful and whistling from that transaction. In fact the feeling I have is similar when I hear people say "so and so should get some counseling," as if that solves everything. But your story and my experience do lead me to think that there is an area here where more understanding of human consequences is needed. I think it's probably an uncomfortable subject for many people who don't want to think about what the parties to the adoption endure and also about the delicate, stressful transactions that people like you have to orchestrate.

    RépondreSupprimer
  16. You have very well assessed the situation, Sledpress. Adoption is not an easy subject even if most adoptions are a blessing for the adoptee when properly dealt with by the adopters and most are.
    For the biological parents it is often making the best of a bad situation and they get help at the onset. The long term is more problematic. Like for abortion no one abandons a child just for the fun of it.

    RépondreSupprimer
  17. You may know that the US has only in recent years enacted "safe surrender laws" that give immunity to anyone who gives up a child younger than 30 days at a hospital or fire station.

    It is pretty apparent how desperate the birth parents are -- and in Nebraska, where there wasn't an upper age limit, several kids of school age were dropped off at hospitals until someone moved to fine tune the law.

    I can't even stand to be within the sight line of most kids, but eventually people grow up and have to live lives, so it's good there are professionals who actually do your kind of work and have a calling to it.

    RépondreSupprimer
  18. I did know about that. In Canada we have had agencies to deal with that going way back. In the beginning the Churches provided the services and they were gradually taken over by the various provincial governements. Not many children are abandonned elsewhere than in such agencies collaborating with our hospitals. All at no charge for the parents.

    RépondreSupprimer
  19. Similar legislation applies in England.

    Was the change in the law ill-advised? How do you balance the benefit for some of disclosure by consent against the devastation for others caused by refusal of consent? It is not something that can be judged by pure numbers.

    You have some interesting tales to tell. It should be possible to preserve professional confidence with anonymity and immaterial modification of the facts, unless the facts are entirely exceptional. Note how doctors are able to publish the details of medical cases.

    RépondreSupprimer
  20. What was ill advised was not so much the change of the law than the fact that it immediately applied to all past adoptions. Nobody was ready for that and many felt betrayed in the faith they had put in their caseworkers.
    From then on, over 30 years now, new parents giving up children for adoption and parents adopting know the rules and get ready for an eventual contact, also preparing the child for it. We even have what is called "open adoption" where the biological parents or parent know the adopting family and keep some form of contact with the child.
    Of course some cases could be retold with some small changes without falsifying the truth and I'm working on it. More will come, in time.

    RépondreSupprimer