tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post8568715084274277280..comments2023-09-13T05:52:34.223-04:00Comments on Costo: Le secretpotsochttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497735324298117643noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-58480728154269635412011-02-04T07:51:18.648-05:002011-02-04T07:51:18.648-05:00What was ill advised was not so much the change of...What was ill advised was not so much the change of the law than the fact that it immediately applied to all past adoptions. Nobody was ready for that and many felt betrayed in the faith they had put in their caseworkers.<br />From then on, over 30 years now, new parents giving up children for adoption and parents adopting know the rules and get ready for an eventual contact, also preparing the child for it. We even have what is called "open adoption" where the biological parents or parent know the adopting family and keep some form of contact with the child.<br />Of course some cases could be retold with some small changes without falsifying the truth and I'm working on it. More will come, in time.potsochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09497735324298117643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-20078987783724103902011-02-03T20:07:21.554-05:002011-02-03T20:07:21.554-05:00Similar legislation applies in England.
Was the c...Similar legislation applies in England.<br /><br />Was the change in the law ill-advised? How do you balance the benefit for some of disclosure by consent against the devastation for others caused by refusal of consent? It is not something that can be judged by pure numbers.<br /><br />You have some interesting tales to tell. It should be possible to preserve professional confidence with anonymity and immaterial modification of the facts, unless the facts are entirely exceptional. Note how doctors are able to publish the details of medical cases.Richardhttp://thecriticaline.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-17064707308651496102011-02-02T22:52:38.311-05:002011-02-02T22:52:38.311-05:00I did know about that. In Canada we have had agen...I did know about that. In Canada we have had agencies to deal with that going way back. In the beginning the Churches provided the services and they were gradually taken over by the various provincial governements. Not many children are abandonned elsewhere than in such agencies collaborating with our hospitals. All at no charge for the parents.potsochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09497735324298117643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-86267252080079887682011-02-02T22:26:45.656-05:002011-02-02T22:26:45.656-05:00You may know that the US has only in recent years ...You may know that the US has only in recent years enacted "safe surrender laws" that give immunity to anyone who gives up a child younger than 30 days at a hospital or fire station. <br /><br />It is pretty apparent how desperate the birth parents are -- and in Nebraska, where there wasn't an upper age limit, several kids of school age were dropped off at hospitals until someone moved to fine tune the law.<br /><br />I can't even stand to be within the sight line of most kids, but eventually people grow up and have to live lives, so it's good there are professionals who actually do your kind of work and have a calling to it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-38412872566316635042011-02-02T07:40:47.160-05:002011-02-02T07:40:47.160-05:00You have very well assessed the situation, Sledpre...You have very well assessed the situation, Sledpress. Adoption is not an easy subject even if most adoptions are a blessing for the adoptee when properly dealt with by the adopters and most are.<br />For the biological parents it is often making the best of a bad situation and they get help at the onset. The long term is more problematic. Like for abortion no one abandons a child just for the fun of it.potsochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09497735324298117643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-12176266564384047782011-02-01T23:49:16.412-05:002011-02-01T23:49:16.412-05:00I agree with your opinion of therapy, Paul. A grea...I agree with your opinion of therapy, Paul. A great deal of it is just paddling about in people's lives aimed, too often, at validating the therapist.<br /><br />Still, I detect a top few per cent of people in the field who have some sort of detachment combined with compassion, such people as Peter Levine in the field of post-traumatic stress for example.<br /><br />It did give me pause to think that with all the therapeutic specialties, I had never heard of any real attention to this sort of predicament.<br /><br />It touched my thoughts vividly to read your story above because of the family I know. I hate it when I see glib bumper-stickers promoting adoption as if everyone goes away cheerful and whistling from that transaction. In fact the feeling I have is similar when I hear people say "so and so should get some counseling," as if that solves everything. But your story and my experience do lead me to think that there is an area here where more understanding of human consequences is needed. I think it's probably an uncomfortable subject for many people who don't want to think about what the parties to the adoption endure and also about the delicate, stressful transactions that people like you have to orchestrate.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-56265871743253472812011-02-01T17:49:52.035-05:002011-02-01T17:49:52.035-05:00I do Paul. Good night. It is late here. Spent a lo...I do Paul. Good night. It is late here. Spent a lot of time, my wife and I, talking with our eldest daughter and her job milieu. Working is hard and terribly competitive where she is now.Man of Romahttp://manofroma.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-65931291043712470932011-02-01T17:23:10.168-05:002011-02-01T17:23:10.168-05:00I appreciate your understanding of the situation.I appreciate your understanding of the situation.potsochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09497735324298117643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-44290262173578466192011-02-01T16:51:12.269-05:002011-02-01T16:51:12.269-05:00I understand. I guess you'll have to change so...I understand. I guess you'll have to change some truths saving the core, if you can. I understand very well your preoccupation. People are much more important than readers' curiosity.Man of Romahttp://manofroma.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-89817383090999902312011-02-01T14:00:40.263-05:002011-02-01T14:00:40.263-05:00As I told Rosaria telling my stories is delicate. ...As I told Rosaria telling my stories is delicate. It has to be done in such a way that nobody can be identified without falsifying the facts or changing the truth. All those people, save for a few, are still alive and many are under 40 years of age; they will be around for a long time to come.<br />It really is a balancing act.potsochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09497735324298117643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-21843920859858312262011-02-01T13:30:09.078-05:002011-02-01T13:30:09.078-05:00A terrible story Paul and un caso di coscienza com...A terrible story Paul and un caso di coscienza come dici in francese. Très difficile pour tout le monde. La jeune fille en larme est déchirante. And the mother's pain too.<br /><br />But I pity the daughter more than the mother, maybe because I love my daughters too much. Your position also uncomfortable, difficult. I am sure you helped wherever you could in your job. <br />We are waiting for more stories Paul Costopoulos.Man of Romahttp://manofroma.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-88246188897604083322011-02-01T11:52:25.551-05:002011-02-01T11:52:25.551-05:00I don't know about the U.S system,Sled, howeve...I don't know about the U.S system,Sled, however, in Québec there are psychiatrists and psycologists trained for child and youth counselling but none that I know of who are specialized in post adoption "trauma" so to speak. Social workers are the most experienced in that field and they offer, when requested, some counselling but not formal therapy.<br />Mind you I have some reservations about the various types of therapy. They are not magical and some, unless followed through over years, can produce utter chaos in people's mind.potsochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09497735324298117643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-32274014256746376632011-02-01T10:54:39.794-05:002011-02-01T10:54:39.794-05:00When people apply to the agencies for possible con...When people apply to the agencies for possible connection to birth mother, such as happened in the story you told, are they offered any sort of information about counseling at that point? I don't know what is done in the States but I don't remember the lady I described ever mentioning it, though she did enter her name in a register in the state where she was born.<br /><br />Ironically she was very fond of "going to therapists" because the family that adopted her was wealthy and it was fashionable to go to therapy, but I saw no sign it went much deeper than paying someone to listen to her complain; I doubt she found therapists who had much familiarity with what must be a pretty distinct and specialized set of emotional difficulties. You see people who specialize in marital issues, addictions and so on but I can't remember ever hearing about anyone making a specialty of the pain that arises from giving up a child for adoption, on either side.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-75072767020031608572011-02-01T07:39:36.396-05:002011-02-01T07:39:36.396-05:00Help exists for those people...but they must seek ...Help exists for those people...but they must seek it, it will not just come to them somewhat magically. The first step is for them to realize that they have a problem. Unforunately for too many that first step is never taken.potsochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09497735324298117643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-33185935949355355882011-01-31T22:08:40.774-05:002011-01-31T22:08:40.774-05:00I am especially alert to the stories you tell abou...I am especially alert to the stories you tell about this aspect of your life, Paul, because the only kids I ever spontaneously liked are the children of a mother who was herself adopted. And who admitted that for her the attraction to having children was the desire to have someone who was related to her.<br /><br />The tragedy has been limitless, as those children were born for no good reason than to satisfy the hungry heart of someone who would not take more mature steps to deal with whatever it was that bothered her about having been adopted. They've suffered so much from the childishness and vanity of their parents that although I've made an effort to help and mentor both of them, I think it was a shame they had existence inflicted on them.<br /><br />There must be some body of knowledge or field of counseling specializing in this predicament, if not, it is needed to prevent the multiplication of misery in such situations.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-62297480174203199142011-01-31T06:51:27.747-05:002011-01-31T06:51:27.747-05:00The law was respected, morals and ethics also. Ps...The law was respected, morals and ethics also. Psychologically it was a difficult thing for all involved and I mean ALL.<br />As for the ulmate tragedy of life, Philippe, I believe we are very gifted in tragedy making.<br />Miss Sadie, you are the most sensitive dog I ever met.potsochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09497735324298117643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-5528501450761095382011-01-31T06:27:49.487-05:002011-01-31T06:27:49.487-05:00All so very sad, for everyone involved.
I think ...All so very sad, for everyone involved. <br /><br />I think the process, as you described is probably the fairest, though nothing is ever perfect. <br /><br />Quelle domage.Miss Sadiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08569594607534260565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-70994162504378463642011-01-31T04:02:04.996-05:002011-01-31T04:02:04.996-05:00Morally, as well as legally, what you did in not d...Morally, as well as legally, what you did in not divulging the mother's identity to the young woman was absolutely correct. The terms of the adoption were a legal and binding contract freely made. They were the conditions of the adoption. <br /><br />The mother, in her capacity as an adult, had the legal and moral right to choose who she associated with. If the person she wished not to associate with was her adult daughter, this didn't legally or morally change anything. The daughter, since she was legally now an adult too, had no legal or moral claims on her biological mother. <br /><br />The daughter, very possibly, may suffer lifelong sadness that she couldn't meet her biological mother. It is the cross she must bear, in the way that we all have crosses to bear in some form or another. Who said life isn't ultimately tragic?Philippehttp://throughadarkglassly.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-80849944187205738072011-01-30T14:27:14.224-05:002011-01-30T14:27:14.224-05:00I guess I have. Problem is I have to tell them in...I guess I have. Problem is I have to tell them in such a way that no one can be identified even years afterward. In such cases there is no way nobody will be hurt.<br />In this case the bio mother was probably hurt because her secret had been pierced and she probably worried that it could be revealed even if she did not answer.<br />The young woman was hurt because she had been abadonned a second time even though she had a happy life in her adoptive family.<br />And somehow many people were hurt because their trust in the confidentiality of the services was betrayed by the change of law.potsochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09497735324298117643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7699772873889750632.post-87810664267072436742011-01-30T14:16:36.704-05:002011-01-30T14:16:36.704-05:00Oh my! This is so hard to swallow, no matter which...Oh my! This is so hard to swallow, no matter which side you take. If I had been the biological mother, this secret might complicate my present life immensely. If I had been the daughter, the wish of finding my real mother would obliterate any other consideration.<br /><br />And you in the middle, holding your balance, praying that going one way or another wouldn't hurt anyone.<br /><br />You do have tales to tell, Paul.Rosaria Williamshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03133147851332084180noreply@blogger.com